20. Family

My mother's children and grandchildren. If I would die today. Or tomorrow. They would say I am survived by 3 sisters, 2 brothers, 5 nephews, 10 nieces, 3 children and a spouse all as crazy as I am. 

Being around my family reminds me I do things my mother did because my siblings do them too. 

I am thankful to share this life experience with them. There is a part of me with a heart felt desire to be with them again always and forever. At one point I cried at the thought of our family reunion ending. 

Unless it doesn't have to end. 

19. Inspiration

I am grateful for inspiration. I started blogging my thankfulness for my children and the perfectionist in me quit blogging any gratitude until my children posts were complete. It took awhile because of my unconsciousness, but I recognize the beauty of inspiration when I receive it.

The triumphant feeling of peace and the tender mercy felt inside. I generally tear up when I receive it and giving it away is even more rewarding, especially when given to my children. 

Because my divine purpose is to inspire, and because inspiration comes from my divine Creator and because I was born with a HUGE ego mind that is the fog preventing me from seeing all glory, consciousness is required moment to moment to moment. 

18. Makayla

Maybe it's easy to write this post because Makayla is gone for Christmas with Dave and my heart has grown fonder, or maybe it's easy because Makayla is a powerful, wise, creative, loving, adventurous, joyful spirit being of light. 

Makayla is the embodiment of fun and will to do anything at least once. Horseback riding, yes. Soccer, yes. Skiing, yes. Ding-dong door ditching experimental subject at the wrong door, YES!

She loves to laugh, tell jokes, and play pranks. When the mood dips in our home, she's the first to contribute by suggesting something to get us laughing again. 

Makayla and I made an agreement to experience this life together. And even though Makayla and I are probably more dissimilar than we are alike, I appreciate her differences. 

Her personality is perfect for her life experience moving 10 times in 11 years and flying at least 40 times a year. She adapts easily and has acceptance for what is.

Most amazing and very unlike me is her ability to envision and create an ingenious outfit with irregular pieces and bits of anything. And her outward beauty complements her inward character. Here is her most recent Halloween creation.

She isn't passionate about schooling, but loves to connect with everyone at school. Makayla has never met a stranger, and she holds a special place in her heart for those children with special needs. 

She is clever and wise beyond her age and always has been. Once in the first grade, a boy was picking on her and instead of giving her a solution I supported her resourcefulness. She came home triumphant. 

Makayla has sound thinking, which showed last week when she was tardy and accepted it completely. She told me later, "There are no accidents." And she's right, it wasn't an accident that I am her mom, even though she still thinks it is negotiable. 

Maybe it is, I'm probably learning more from her than she is from me. She inspires me with love, acceptance, humor, patience, wisdom and joy. In judgement I am inclined to want more for Makayla, but have learned that my decisions are perfect for her journey.

I honor her in that journey of joy, sorrow, faith, acceptance, growth, beauty, and love. May this bond we share unite us as one, as we experience and remember our own feminine divinity is my prayer. Thank you, thank you, thank you for allowing me to be your mother.

17. Matt

Matthew was born a hero, my hero, his brother's hero. In this picture, he is wearing the personally-made cape from his dad which he's had since he was three. I've always described Matthew as my breath of fresh air, although he is admittedly exhausting too.

Matthew is the type of child that would say, "Wow, mom, you washed all my clothes? Thanks mom" and he has. Or get an ice cream at McDonald's and say, "Let's go home, bud, and we'll share it" while putting his arm around his brother's shoulders.

I love how he watches over his younger brother, how he shares everything with him, and how he plays on his level except when they are running and somehow Matt gets lost in the present moment and finds himself the winner. The present moment is where Matt lives most of the time and I know this because for the most part I don't exist in his moments.

I exist in the organized world of order and Matt exists in fun, imaginative, Matt world. I noticed his world today when he stood in the field of grass with his sport suit coat on and a skull belt cinched around his waste while playing his 5 stringed guitar to the rhythm of the practicing marching band. 

I love how he is the first to express sorrow if he offended or injured someone because everyone is his friend. I also love when he hugs me because he reads my energy and knows when I deserve Heavenly Father's love, which flows through him.

He isn't aware yet what the notes say from all the girls in his class at school, except that they say "I Love You" and that they mean thanks for making me feel special. He makes everyone he meets feel special including his toy dogs. In this picture he's declared today their birthday. We celebrated with cake, ice cream, and of course gifts.

Matt can go shopping for hours and only say once before we ever enter the store he'd prefer to stay home.  He'd also never need to buy anything at the store during the trip even if everyone else carried out their golden bags.

Matthew has been cracking jokes since he was 18 mos. old when he put his tongue on the kitchen table and whined mimicking Christmas movie with the ice cold telephone pole. He enjoys making other's laugh even if it includes crude noise like armpit farts or underwear talk which usually only impresses other boys.

I love how Matt will thank me for a delicious dinner and admit "oh ya I forgot" when I remind him for the 5th time to pick up his things. His papers, robes, back packs, toys, money, letters, whatever collection he is playing with at the time. And it's always a collection, a gathering of things. We've agreed that he can bring whatever he can haul himself . 

I honor him for his clutter, his imagination, his selective hearing, his forgetfulness, his funny dress-up clothes, his collections, his joy, his acceptance, his gratitude, his faith. 

16. Travis

For a half an hour this afternoon, Travis walked around like this because he couldn't find the other shoe in his shoe box and I was with Matthew doing homework. He came to ask me to find the shoe, and after I told him where to look or to wait until I was finished he chose to wait. 

He was astonishingly patient for a 3 year-old. When I finally finished with Matthew and after I forgot about Travis' missing shoe, I headed over to the dryer to switch another load of laundry. Travis came to me and asked calmly if now I could help him find the shoe.

Travis is #3 and has been such a joy to have. He was the perfect pregnancy, the perfect nursing baby, the most content baby, the most cuddly boy, and I feel grateful to have him in my home. I love his 'good morning' greetings and the way he runs to me open arms, screaming "mommie" when I return home regardless of how long I've been gone. 

His hugs are so often and so welcomed. I love when I hold him how his hand is always softly touching my neck and how he can fall asleep in my arms.  I love his laugh and his humor and his huge belly adult sounding burp. 

I laugh inside when he says he doesn't like his house or his new Star Wars room or his bed when he really wants to say, 'Can I come and fall asleep with you?' Then dragging in his pink blanket which he loves in spite of his uncle making fun of him and his mom unwilling to spring for a blue one to snuggle me.

When we went on a vacation with my sister's family and joined them for a 31 mile hike or what seemed like 31 miles and maybe it was only 3.1 miles, Travis' famous words were and still are "almost mom" while I carried him up the steep hill at mile marker 2.0.

I honor him in his clear intention and his ability to soften my heart, in his provoking language and his short lived anger filled rejections. And I honor him when he refuses to smile for family pictures or preschool pictures or even pictures in the back yard because he's embarrassed, shy, or just plain skillfully controlling. 

Travis, I honor YOU.

15. Profound Words

I'm not admitting that writers know the profundity of which they write, yet I am convinced many readers are unaware of the written intellect. Just read book reviews and sift to find the unconsciousness. I am moved by these profound words and am grateful to them because they fed my intense desire to know more philosophy and human nature.

Our species is the only creative species, and it has only one creative instrument, the individual mind and spirit of a man. 

It is important he included 'spirit' of a man for this truth.

 And now the forces marshaled around the concept of the group have declared a war of extermination on that preciousness, the mind of man.  By disparagement, by starvation, by repressions, forced direction, and the stunning hammer-blows of conditioning, the free roving mind is being pursued, roped, blunted, drugged.  

And this I must fight against: any idea, religion, or government which limits or destroys the individual.  I can understand why a system built on a pattern must try to destroy the free mind, for that is one thing which can by inspection destroy such a system.  Surely I can understand this, and I hate it and I will fight against it to preserve the one thing that separates us from the uncreative beast.  If the glory can be killed, we are lost.

Yes, yes, a thousand yeses! 

14. Grills and Southern California Weather on Nov. 3rd

As I stood over the grill tonight in the dark cooking our buffalo chicken for dinner, I got excited to write about my gratitude of year round grilling in California. 

Who's not to love quick dinners and easy clean up? Who invented broilers and why do they even sell them in this town? Last night was a perfect night for a quick dinner and I was grateful and glad I had and used a grill. 

13. My Children's Laughter

The best part of any day and a prescription for sadness is my children's laughter. Deplorably, the most authentic laughter from my boys is produced after a burp or fart, but today I heard it when Tom was teaching Travis a hand song that his dad taught him. 

Pat 'a cake, pat 'a cake baker's man,

Roll 'em, roll 'em fast as you can,

Put 'em in the fire, put 'em in the fire,

Gobble 'em all up.

Last year for Mother's Day, Tom bought me a recorder and recorded the boys laughing on it. I'm convinced Tom had as much fun evoking the laughter as the boys did in creating it. 

12. Sweet New Babies

I held my niece today. When I picked her up from her car seat she stayed asleep. She smelled like sweet baby and dirty diaper mixed together in a fragrance you should be able to buy at the department store counter. She was smaller than any one of my children. And yet. She seemed hearty for a newborn.

She slept the entire time I held her and when I returned her to her carrier she squirmed a little and her mom said it was time for her to eat. It felt natural to hold an infant, I felt confident but remembered the first time I held my daughter. I remember thinking what do I do with this crying baby when they laid my firstborn on my stomach; who will take care of her? And yet.

There was a part of me that wanted another baby to add to my three. A big part of me wanted to have another one right now before my youngest gets too old and an even bigger part of me knows that what is best is to focus on being a great mom to the three I already have. So, the gratitude for me is that I get to enjoy a sweet new baby without having a sweet new baby and her name is Alora.

11. His Love

My Savior's Love, shines like the sun with perfect light,

As from above, it breaks thru clouds of strife.

Lighting our way, it leads us back into his sight,

Where we may stay, to share eternal life.

Growing up I learned that when I misbehaved or disappointed my mom (which was a lot), I was unlovable. This is something I don't want to pass on to my children. I believe God's love, the Savior's love is perfect, unconditional, all around. 

Tonight I was angry because my 3 year old had peed in his underwear for the 3rd time. Maybe the frustration was because I'd just finished the laundry (is laundry ever really done) or maybe it was because I was moody and tired. As I looked in his eyes and disapprovingly asked him, "WHY!!?? Why?!!"

He slouched down against the wall and folded his arms on his bent knees and rested his head on his arms, "I've had a bad day." I shifted and realized that he was just having a bad day and he deserved love. The kind of love I wouldn't have gotten when I was his age. 

For the first time ever, I gathered him up in my arms and brought him where the rest of the family was. Then, I invited everyone to come group hug him to let him know how much he was loved. My husband reached out a hand and patted his back, "I'll give him a love pat." My daughter crowded around me seemingly embarrassed by the gesture. Matthew willing joined the circle. Their hesitation was good feedback for me, reminding me how I was showing up as my own mother. 

When I feel unloved, this is what I'll do from now on. Surround myself with everyone that loves me, so they can channel God's love bringing healing. I will do this anytime, anywhere and teach my family to do the same. Doing this as a family will fortify us and will allow us to glorify God. Isn't that why we are here? To remember God's love and to share it? 

10. Bath

Bath time to me is a state of soothing peace, freedom of the mind from annoyance, tranquility, relief of responsibilities, physical comfort, and supreme contentment. I just had one. My feet are wrinkled and my hair still damp as I'm typing this.

Initially I wanted to write something that I was grateful for each day for a full year, but I lost the time daily to more pressing household appointments. In my perfect attempt to create this blog, I fell fast to being absolute and failing so I didn't even try. Maybe I should have named it 52 instead of 365.

This is great feedback for me and a reflection of my life. I aim with judgement, choke the throttle, miss the mark, and finish...always finish. 

I'm grateful for baths, for water, warm water. And even though this bath I have now is plainly not the elegant baths I used to satisfy, I am grateful still the same. 

9. Tom

I wanted to save this one until at least some time later in the year. The goal is to write about 365 DIFFERENT things I'm grateful for. Although this will be easy for me, I'm sure I'll want to write more about Tom later in the year. 

Here are Tom's greatest things in random order including but not limited to:

1. Telepathic /adj/ Although he claims he can't read minds, I disagree. On my most busy, hectic, chaotic days, Tom just so conveniently is there taking one thing after another off my plate. (Theoretically speaking that is; he doesn't touch my plate at dinner until I'm finished.)

2. Forgiving /adj/ Tom still chases me around the house after 3 children and months and months of no exercising. Although that's not my worst trait, he has a talent of overlooking my many peculiarities and loving me furthermore.

3. Deliberate /adj/ Tom is a romantic at heart and enjoys giving gifts marked by full consciousness and careful consideration. My favorite so far is Valentine's Day 3 years ago. Because I prefer this holiday to all the others, Tom gives it extra attention. He planned a scavenger hunt type adventure that began with a pedicure and ended with a bike ride along the beach and lunch with him. But even more than his gestures of romance, I love when he goes to the grocery store with my requests and comes home with the 3 extra items I forgot.

4. Visionary /n/ I appreciate Tom's idealistic views and unusually keen foresight. In fact, Tom's motto in life is 'Moving Forward'. Having had a rigid childhood allows me to easily identify this trait in him.  And although I sometimes resist his ways of being, he is my exact opposite and we therefore are perfectly symmetrical.

5. Chivalrous /adj/ brave, courageous, noble, faithful, devoted, Tom. I know this about Tom because he would vanquish by superior force all enemy to bring me a diet coke on a thirsty day, and he has. 

6. Clever /adj/ Do you know times when you laugh so hard your body convulses and aches in places you suddenly realize exist? You definitely would if you were married to Tom.  From hilarious Barbie names to hysterical practical jokes, my favorite times with Tom include our comical episodes. 

Maybe I'll start a blog just about Tom, I could go on and on for days. Probably because it takes me days to write each one of these. Words flow easier when the space around me is quiet. So, I'm just going to add to this post as it will,  allowing it to become a welcoming station for me to frequent when I'm so grateful and loving Tom and when I get to remember his greatness. 

8. Microfiber Blankets

I shut my book signaling I was ready to close my eyes for the night. Tom turned toward me to say the last few words before we drifted into subconscious. Usually we talk of spiritual things, triumphs, goals, or daily resolutions to misunderstandings. Tonight I felt depressed, maybe I wanted to fight with him over nothing really, just fight to make sure I was still alive.

Realizing my state of mind and instead of saying anything negative, I said, "I'm a wet blanket tonight." He started laughing, which made me laugh and I shifted my mind upward out of the dark oblivion it was heading. 

Although it seems like a small thing, I'm grateful for warm, soft blankets. Not wet ones, awkward, cold, and anything but comfortable. My daughter is sleeping on the couch tonight because she saw a spider in her room. (She's 11 and I guess she hasn't reasoned that spiders crawl on couches too.) She took my favorite blanket. It's tan and microfiber and soft and it matches my decor. 

The pink blanket above was tucked away in the closet. I love the pink microfiber blanket, but it's pink and goes against the color scheme in the master bedroom. Tonight when I opened the cupboard above the closet and unzipped the plastic around this blanket I felt gratitude that I have multiple soft, warm, comfortable blankets. 

Some people don't even have one nice, soft blanket. As I rested my head on the pillow and smiled my prayer of thanks, I realized how blessed I am to sleep in a soft bed with soft blankets and soft pillows. Sigh! 

7. Book Club

Even though it's been a bit since my last post, I am grateful for many, many things lately. My fresh appreciation is Book Club. I went to our book club last night http://redondobc.blogspot.com (thanks Karalea). If you love blog hopping, please stop by. 

Last month we read Custom of the Country by Edith Wharton and met at Melissa's house to discuss. Although I didn't quite finish the book (yet), being around beautiful women is gratifying. Here's what I enjoy most:

1. Food: Not only do these women provide refreshments, but the food is usually impressionistic in its delivery. And of course, there is always something sweet. Hmm.

2. Friendship: I've actually been to only 2 book club meetings so far, but both times I am enriched as I engage with different people. Last night I enjoyed talking with Susan and Kelly, and I met Lorraine (officially). 

3. Words: Embracing the words in each book I read is so rewarding; listening to the 'words' used by brilliant, talented, creative, clever, intelligent, humorous women is too. And I love to laugh.

6. A Quickee

Today I'm grateful for this quick blog. I'd love to spend more time, but I'm out of time today. I get to wake up tomorrow early to go jogging at 5:00.

I'm also very grateful for the those really quick neck massages my husband gives me at the end of the day...the day that has been busy and tiring without me saying a word that it was. Not that I don't say a word because usually I do, although he seems to know anyway. 

Thanks, Tom.

5. Dirty Bottoms

There is something about dirty feet that makes me smile. These are Travis' beauties. His dirty feet are the easiest to capture because he enjoys running around without shoes.

Dirty feet mean to Travis...
1. I've had a fun, productive day
2. I was allowed to keep the unwelcomed shoes off
3. My feet are tough
4. I don't care that everyone else is wearing shoes
5. I could be Amish
6. My mom gets to rub my feet before I climb into bed

Dirty feet mean to me...
1. I'm a good mom
2. Acceptance for what is
3. I provided enough entertainment to produce the dirt
4. My little one is tough
5. I accept myself as other moms look on
6. Privileged to wash them after a play-filled day

4. Family Night

My daughter (who is 11) asked on Sunday if we were having Family Home Evening tomorrow. I cringed inside knowing I didn't have a lesson planned and using the chaotic back-to-school madness as my excuse. "Why?" I asked trying to hide my self-imposed embarrassment.

"Because I like it." she beamed reminding me of when she was four years old. If that doesn't count as a tender mercy, I don't know what does.

I'm so thankful for family night. We learned about the Holy Ghost tonight; when I say we, I literally mean me. Teaching my kids is always such a learning experience for me.

On the white board, Travis drew his interpretation of the Holy Ghost which reminded me more of fire than anything; coincidence? I think not. Makayla wrote "The Holy Ghost teaches me wrong and right." Matthew drew a picture of where the Holy Ghost resides; it was a stick figure in red marker with a large section near the heart where the Holy Ghost dwells.

Near the end of the lesson they began to fight because Travis prematurely erased the white board. But I'm certain they felt the truth of what was taught when I began speaking directly from the heart, "The way the Holy Ghost helps me is by letting me know when I'm close to my Heavenly Father; I feel a peaceful feeling." Even though the 'peace' in the lesson only lasted a moment for my testimony, I know their hearts are touched forever.

3. Two Ears and One Mouth

Today I'm most grateful for my ears. Initially I wanted to write about being thankful for music, but suddenly realized I get to acknowledge my ears first. I am blessed with 2 ears and 1 mouth for good reason. Have you ever just kept quiet and listened to the music around you?

The movie "Autumn Rush" is about a prodigy who has the ability to hear music in every noise. Sometimes I want that gift, especially when my children are at odds or it's 10pm and the house isn't still.

But most importantly, I'm grateful I can hear Travis say, "I'm thirsty about water" or Matthew's infectious laughter (Tom recorded this for me for mother's day because I love it so much) or Makayla express her opinion about mothering, fashion or most recently boys. Oh, and how can I forget the romantic prose Tom recites to me, my favorite being, "Thanks for choosing me for this life experience." No, thank you.

2. Time

My main blog is less than a month old. I started it to prove to myself that I could do what seemed like most of my friends had been doing for so long. And although I don't have an addictive personality, I'm addicted to blogging. 

Because I don't write in my journal often and want to preserve my thoughts in the moment, I find blogging the perfect antidote. This 365 things blog enables me to express my gratitude daily for my blessings and the tender mercies from above. 

Today I'm grateful for TIME. If I didn't have time, I wouldn't be able to blog! A girl in my ward and I run at 5:15 about 3 days a week allowing me extra time in the morning before the kids wake up. 

After I run, I come home and just lay on the living room floor in meditation and prayer for at least 1/2 hour. This simple act renews my spirit and I am so grateful I have the time for that renewal. 

Running gives me the energy during the day to get everything done including my alone time at night for a moment to exhale. 

1. Gratitude 101

This blog is for me to express openly the gratitude I feel each and every day of my life.  It also is a record of my progress as a writer. I'm not a writer, but I found a new love for words. I've never considered myself as creative; intellectual, yes, but not creative.

So, here begins my embrace of a new year honoring my right brain in accepting my femininity without apologies. 

Yesterday was Sept. 11 and marked the 7th year memorial of our country changing forever. As I walked onto my porch before taking the children to school, I noticed our neighbors had their flags raised in honor. 

A feeling of gratitude swept over me because of my life, my family, my freedom! "Thank you, thank you soldiers for your labor of love" as tears fill my eyes. May their service always be remembered.