55. Forgiveness

Last night I sat at the edge of the world watching the crashing waves. The rest of the family was at a church function.

I was repenting.

Each wave reminded me of my behavior earlier that evening before I had to go to choir practice, angry and loud and forceful. I sat with what is, but only after throwing myself a big self-pity party. I only invited one friend. Who arrived after all the crying and precisely when I needed her to.

I wanted forgiveness.

And so, I told myself over and over again that 'I easily forgive myself and others' as I walked home in the dark. I left each of my children letters after the outburst, and I was greeted with acceptance, love, hugs, and this response...

Dear Mom thank you for the note I no you have the fores. (as in the 'force' from Star Wars) When you are sad you have the power to pray fro love Matthew

...and forgiveness.

54. Eyes

My kids are running around the house, and I'm listening to inspirational music on my iPhone while painting my new bedroom a sage color. Tomorrow's the Saturday before fast Sunday.

Beautiful music + open heart = Inspiration

Tears start to swim in my eyes as I reflect on the conversation I had with my sister this past week. She is losing her eye sight. I worry if she should be driving anymore and she's worried about things I didn't even think about like being able to see the faces of her children or read piano music. She plays too.

I call the family together and enroll them in my vision to fast for my sister and her eyesight and her family. I pour out my heart about this woman who is now a mother of 5, but used to just be my oldest sister.

I contact all my brothers and sisters and have them join in the fast together. I want a miracle for my sister, for my first family, for my family now, and even for me and my own faith. And I'm thankful now more than ever before for my eyesight, for being able to see the piano music even through my wet eyes because it would definitely be something I'd miss most.

53. Mothers

I'm behind on being grateful and on updating this gratitude blog. And so, I've found a gratitude deficit is the sequel to a deficit of compassion and patience and especially acceptance.

A lesson taught by my mother:

Problem: Selfishness

Solution: Be in Service

Yesterday was Mother's Day. I've not always been thankful for Mother's Day.

[insert picture of my mother once retrieved by my sister]

Right after my mom died, I resisted the thought of a day to celebrate her leaving me. I was sad going to church and listening to the children sing to their mothers. I don't remember, but I probably healed when my daughter was born and all of a sudden Mother's Day became all about me and no longer about my mom.

Now, Mother's Day is about my mom again or at least about the absence of her. I figure if I can't celebrate with my own mother, I ought to honor all the moms in my life who deserve recognition for being examples of courage and faithfulness and compassion and beauty.

And service.

52. Me

I often find comparing myself to someone else useless. Especially because I compare my worst self, which makes for poor competition anyway.

I turned 36 today. Friday night my family took me to Elephant Bar for dinner where I indulged in batter fried shrimp and chocolate brownie.

Saturday we had a girl's night out with Karalea, Mandy, Amy, Peggy, Cari, April, Shannon, and new friend, Kirsten. We ate at the Red Fort Indian Cuisine with Bollywood on a wall sized screen followed by rock and bowling. We danced and laughed playing skittles bowling...

green=hop on 1 foot

red=through the legs backwards

blue=sitting and push with feet

orange=left hand

yellow=closed eyes

brown=your choice

We used M&Ms though, which seemed to make things so much more wild, like when we danced in the lane, made weird yoga poses, and ended with jazz hands.

And then Sunday morning, I jumped out of the covers as soon as they came in with my parfait breakfast singing my song. All of them...even Travis. They each had presents and Tom made me an honor board in honor of me and my talents.

And so, on a day like my birthday there was no time for comparing or biased competition...just time to celebrate.

51. Valentine's Day

In honor of Valentine's Day, Travis and I arranged the memory cards in the shape of a heart. This is my favorite holiday and not because I get showered with chocolate and flowers and gifts of pampering...although those things are nice.

Valentine's Day is the day I feel free to show love to everyone without having to have a reason because that's all I see around me. I also see people around me who can't see it and that makes me sad.

I attended a funeral of a friend last week. She died at 39 of cancer leaving her 4 year old son and husband behind. The husband spoke of his wife during the memorial. He told jokes and honored his sweetheart the best way he could. He almost made it through sharing without shedding one tear drop until he looked up and saw and felt the love of everyone in that very room. Everyone bearing his burden and mourning right along with him...he felt that human connection only available through His perfect love.

And that is exactly why I love LOVE. It has the power to dissolve fear, rejection, sadness, loneliness, hate, and even loss. In this very room, is quite enough love for one like me, all of us, and all the world.

50. People Playing Their Parts

Tom and I were married in 2001 and immediately moved into an apartment in Las Vegas, which counts the first time we moved. Then we moved 6 more times to get to this immediate place with these immediate friends.

Maybe some people can live in one place their whole life and learn what it is they are here to learn. For me, I get to share in the flavor of many different places and people.

After having just returned from my very first girls' overnighter, I am grateful to share LIFE with these women. Because of their light and power and creativeness, my heart is also light, power and creativity. Because they shine, I rejoice in joy and abundant kindness.

Thank you for playing your role in my LIFE with me at this TIME.

49. Gratitude Boards

This is the first night of our 2009 Gratitude Board. Travis is finally old enough to write his gratitude; sometimes in letters and sometimes in pictures. 

Tom started the board with "FAMILY". My favorite for Matthew so far is "my family and my life", and Travis' first post was "TOYS". I might put that I'm thankful Makayla's post was "ME!", as in herself, even though I would never even think to write that for myself.

There are no rules about duplicating someone else's gratefulness, so I put "family" as my first, followed by music and the ocean. 

This picture was actually taken a day after we started the board with our Thankfulness kickoff in family home evening. And, I'm already liking Travis' drawings...the arrow at the top. He says he is thankful for "arrows". And so it is.